He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She needs sedatives and a leash
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
