he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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