good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
