I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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