Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
