Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
