I don't remember. Are we still dating?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize