she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize