'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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