She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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