I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize