Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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