can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
