you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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