the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize