I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
