1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
