Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
