we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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