Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
