I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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