Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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