Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
