god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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