i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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