Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
