What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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