Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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