booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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