His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
