Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
