yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
