Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
