seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
no you cant smoke seaweed
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
