If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
