Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
operation harelip BJ is a go
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
