Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
