NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
