I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
