dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
