5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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