It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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