She's JV to your varsity
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
