just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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