I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
