My first STD was from a foam party
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You ruined the universe
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
