he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
