I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
