Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
