i think i have two assholes
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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