thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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