just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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