He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
