before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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