It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
