I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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