Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I currently don't understand fingers.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
