My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
