I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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