I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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